pronghorns + prairie dogs - maxwell national wildlife refuge, new mexico
It is hard for me to work on things that aren't immediately giving me rewards, whether that means a paycheck, connections, etc. I think this mentality is a product of my uber practical, hardworking, mid-western upbringing where "work" is not about doing something that you love but about doing something that provides for your family, your future or your immediate needs. And yet, I am convinced that I can and should be doing something that I love AND that will provide for my (very minimal) immediate needs*.
*screw the family & the future, for now anyway.
clarks nutcracker* - banff natl park
*i promise this is the actual name of this poor bird.
While I have always theoretically believed that I could do anything that I set my mind to. The lack of guarantees or consistency in carving your own path, so to speak, is crippling to my psyche. And at the very same time thrilling to my spirit. How is it possible to be so compelled and so frozen by something?
baby moose - glacier natl park
mama moose - glacier natl park
I am so thankful that I was raised in a way that taught me to work hard. To take a job, be it waiting tables, house cleaning, or photography, and show up everyday and give 110%. I was never one of those employees who could stand around; down-time on the clock always meant finding something to clean or organize or a new project to start.
Unfortunately this work ethic of mine has a hard time translating to my self-employment. It never fails that there is always laundry or running or a sandwich standing between me and my creativity. Maybe this is because I cant always pay myself. Or because there is no road map to follow. No schedule to follow or hours to fill. Its just me, choosing what to work on and what risks to take, and that is totally scary. I will not, however, apologize for or question the sandwich thing.
rascal trying steal said sandwich, unsuccessfully. I guard my sandwiches with my life. #backoffsandwichstealer
Last week I dove in. I stopped imagining several projects I have wanted to pursue and I went out into the world and truly started them. I spent money and time on my ideas and on my business and while I have no idea if any of the things that I am working on will amount to anything - I can see that it doesn't really matter. It only matters that I am trying, that I am starting. Its all about the movement. Feeling the fear, acknowledging it and moving forward. Because I have to. Because I don't want to go work for somebody else right now. Because its no fun to write songs and then have no one hear them. Because my art is just as important and therefore as unimportant as everyone elses. Because its time to get serious and give myself a chance. Because sandwiches cost money and I've got to earn it.
grand tetons, wyoming
This adventure, my life, I am totally determined to figure it out.
Love & patience,
Please enjoy the photos from this weeks post - which are part of my growing series "Wild" - full of all the amazing wild animals we encountered on the @westwewander adventure.
They are all available for purchase - just click on them & use promo code 20forfall to receive a 20% discount on your order!
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